Wanting to Be Normal

There is no neurotypical ‘me’, as I believe I’ve said before.  Would your clone be you, raised in a different time and situation? They might be remarkably similar, in the way that identical twins raised separately can be, but I wouldn’t agree that they are the same person?

Someone genetically identical to me, but without my various ‘quirks’ wouldn’t be me. No abuse, different family, no assault, no anxiety, no being on the spectrum-that wouldn’t be me.

Now, the question is-would I want to be that other person? Do I want to live their existence?

Yes and no. There are things about being me that are irritating, frustrating, and infuriating. I don’t think I would miss them. But I feel like parts of myself are wonderful-and I’m not sure being able to fit in more with other people would be worth giving up those things.

It’s also because I’m not entirely sure how different I am. I know that plenty of people love the beach-it’s a pretty common thing to like.

But do other people feel the beach the way I do?

Does it cleanse their mind and silence their worries and ease their weary souls? Do they hear the same almost-music in their minds in the sound of the waves and the light of the sun and the taste of salt in their mouths?

Can they feel the universe’s energy in the flowers budding on a tree branch?

Is that part of the human experience, or is it just me? Do they feel it differently?

Part of me thinks they must- for me the world is completely overwhelming at times, and it seems that they don’t hear anything at all.

I don’t think I want to see the world that way-even if my way sometimes makes me suffer and rubs me raw.

Because when it isn’t harsh and loud and dragging on my skin, the world is beautiful. I would worry about not seeing it that way anymore.


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