I was going to write about difficulties of losing weight while neuroatypical. I have an unfinished blog post about the topic.
There is something that is bothering me.
I remember, eons ago-
(In internet time, so really maybe a few years? There is some wiggle room, the internet is odd with time like that.)
That body positivity seemed to be about accepting imperfections in the human body; accepting the fact that no one looks like a model in a magazine because even the model doesn’t look that way. They are wearing make up. They have been Photoshopped and angled and blurred to a perfection that doesn’t exist, except in the photograph.
And body positivity said, ‘That’s fine. We all have scars and stretch marks and wrinkles and cellulite and weird tattoos and and dark spots and acne. Some of us have worse scarring. Some of us have body hair we can’t get rid of! Some of us have marks from picking at our skin and cutting ourselves and bruises from banging ourselves on walls. It’s just a body thing. Take that body you have and live in it and care of it, marks and all.”
As someone who has dark spots and scars from picking and a few scars and bumps and stretch marks, I took heart in this message, because it meant that however banged up my body was, it was still mine, and it meant it could still take a hit, and heal, and come back, and work, and still be mine.
But then, it feels like, suddenly body positivity had less to do with the realities of living in a fleshy body and how it grew and healed and did what it did, and was more about…
Well, more about fat people.
Suddenly body positivity was really only for fat people, and mostly for _really_ fat people.
I’ve been losing some weight, and I’ve been thinking about my body, and its changes, and how I feel in it. Are my breasts changing? Am I more noticeable now? Can you see scars more now that there’s less fat?
But I feel like I would be what would be called a ‘small-fat’,*-
*The exact meaning of the term seems to vary, but it seems to be someone who is ‘plus sized, but might still be stocked in a ‘regular’ store.
In women’s sizes I assume this is from a size 14 on up to maybe an 18-20, but there is little logic to women’s sizes. I do not know what the male equivalent is, as I have never set foot in a man’s ‘big and tall’ store.*
-if I was seemed fat at all, and if I were to lose more weight, that I would be told body positivity isn’t for me anymore, because I’m not/would not be fat.
As far as I can tell, the running theory is ‘since we as a society generally don’t approve of fat people’, thin people can’t possibly insecure or uncomfortable in their bodies in any way.
Even though when I was much thinner, I was depressed, and didn’t like my body so much, and was told I was too skinny, and banged into things on purpose, tripped, cut-to see the damage on the body I didn’t like, and then remind myself how ugly the marks were.
Body positivity as it was helped with those feelings. Body positivity as it is now makes me feel as if I have no right to them, and I mourn the original movement, and I hope it makes a return, so that everyone can feel comfortable admitting their lack of comfort with their imperfections.
Next time, Trying to Get to the Gym When You’re Depressed/Anxious/Just Don’t Want To!